my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
ttyl tear gas
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
