it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
