did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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