did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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