Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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