i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
