before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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