2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
