my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
