I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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