Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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