so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
