i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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