I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm like, not good at living.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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