I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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