apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
