Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
