I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
