First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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