i just had sex bonerless
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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