I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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