He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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