you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
we should paint friendship bongs
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