Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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