textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
