Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
