You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
