Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
