He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
