last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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