So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
