we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
