I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
