I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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