I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
