The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
