Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
