Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
