i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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