I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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