Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
