God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
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