He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
