I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
