I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
