I didn't shave. On purpose
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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