How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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