Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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