So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
