i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
