why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
